Stephanie’s Story
of leaving hyper fundamentalism
“July 3, 2019 was the day a new life began for our family. In hindsight, it was the scariest decision we’ve ever made to date. This was the day I heard my husband crying and praying and asking God for a renewed heart. I asked him what this was all about and he said he had listened to Paul Washer and had heard the gospel of grace unlike he had never heard it before. He told me we needed to leave our church and he didn’t know what church we would attend next.
Not a big deal, just a change of churches? No, actually it was a VERY big deal. We were taught our denomination (Trinitarian Holiness Pentecostalism) was the only way to Heaven. Perhaps there was grace if you weren’t raised in it but if someone really ‘prayed through’ they were certain God would direct that person into Holiness. I myself was basically in Holiness my entire life and I was now 30 years old with a husband and two girls. How could I ever leave my church? In that moment, I tried to calm myself and I thought surely we’ll attend one of the other two Holiness churches in the area, but when it became clear that was not where my husband thought we needed to be, sheer panic set in. My thoughts began to whirl, ‘What if he was actually being led by a demon, and this wasn’t God’s plan at all?’ ‘What if I really fasted and prayed and God wanted me to stay in Holiness with my girls and divorce my husband?’
As we began to visit other churches, I began to fast and pray as if my life depended on it. In my mind, it was a matter of heaven or hell. I began staying up late studying the Bible and eating one to two meals a day, even though I was also nursing a baby. The first time we stepped in a Baptist church, I was horrified to see how all the people were dressed especially the women. These weren’t women of God (women that had uncut hair, wore long dresses or skirts, no jewelry or makeup) ‘How could these people even be Christians?’ I thought. If they were Christians, they were less than me. During the service, I went to the bathroom and cried. When I came back out to the service, I began to see this wasn’t so bad and these people did seem to love God too. Yet again though my mind began to whirl, wasn’t I the ‘cream of the crop’ for following God more closely, i.e following dress codes, etc?
When I did sleep during this transition time, I would have nightmares. One particular dream I woke up shaking like a leaf and ran outside scared out of my mind. In this dream, my husband was actually demon possessed and was leading us astray. I was sobbing and begging God to show me what to do, because I thought for sure this was a sign I needed to divorce him. I had grabbed my Bible on the way out the door and began reading and whatever verse I read brought me comfort and my mind went to the verse ‘God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind.’ I decided to continue following my husband’s lead and to stay with him. (I do want to add here my parents had went through a divorce and I knew the trauma that was involved with that but if it was a matter of heaven or hell, I was willing to do whatever it took to ‘save our souls.’)
During this transition time, however, since I was still unsure leaving was ok I would visit the Holiness churches. I was hoping for a message from the sermon telling me I was going the wrong way and to come back to Holiness, it never happened. I called different people in the movement I really respected and it would put me in a state of confusion. Someone I highly respected told me maybe I was never even saved before and needed to truly seek God.
The more I studied, however, the more things I had always been taught didn’t seem to add up. I began to crave a special revelation from God. I wanted God to speak to me for everyday decisions. I never wanted to find myself believing a false doctrine ever again. Going back to our church hunt, we settled on a reformed Presbyterian church. We were both intrigued by the verse by verse teachings. The worship service was not to my liking at all. I was used to lots of emotion, lots of amens and singing your heart out. Now I was stoically singing hymns I had never even heard before. I knew however, I couldn’t go to a ‘charismatic church,’ i.e. Word of Faith, so we settled for that church. The people loved us, took us out to eat and eagerly answered our questions.
Please keep in mind during this time. I had begun to lose weight. Not a big deal? Well, it is if you only weighed a little over 100lbs to start with and I was also nursing. The more I studied, the more errors I saw. I was taught only the KJV Bible was the Word of God and all other English versions of the Bible were satanic. Once I studied that and found that to be in error as well, I began reading the ESV and it was like coming out of the dark ages. All those passages that were mysterious were now in my common language and easily understood. I was so hungry for the Word I began reading in books of the Bible at a time.
Yet again, my mind began to whirl, ‘What if everything I had been taught was a lie and I needed to completely rebuild my faith?’ I began changing my beliefs rapidly when presented with truth even though mentally I was shattered. I began earnestly seeking a revelation from God. Other people seemed to be able to hear God’s voice, I wanted to as well with everything that was within me. Surely. If I could hear God’s audible voice, I would never be deceived again.
One day it happened, I was feeling defeated and washing dishes in my kitchen alone and I heard a man’s voice that I knew wasn’t my husband. This voice told me I was doing a good job and he would show me what I needed to do everyday from now on. I was overcome with warmth and I began to even smell things I had never smelled before I believed this was the voice of Jesus. Keep in mind at this point I had been fasting for eleven weeks and was living on a few hours of sleep each night. I was delirious and didn’t know it.
The next day, my husband knew something was off and he really didn’t want to go into work but he did anyways. (Also, I was hiding from him just how much I was fasting.) I woke up, and this voice told me what clothes to put on that day. I was thrilled to know I had ‘Jesus’ leading me every step of life. All those weeks of praying and fasting had paid off, or so I thought. It was Sunday, September 22nd the day I went to church with my girls and things went from bad to worse. After church I was supposed to go out to eat with the church people but this voice told me to keep driving… and so I did. The voice told me which turn to go on until somehow I ended up wrecked on a bridge about an hour away from home. Thankfully, none of us were hurt but the vehicle I was driving was damaged and we were stuck on the side of the road.
The police saw our vehicle and when they came to help I was combative and went crazy. They took my girls to the hospital to be checked out and sent me to a different hospital. I had a nervous breakdown, I completely snapped. At the hospital, they ran tests to see if I had brain damage. Everything came back normal, even though at this point being separated from my kids I was really going crazy. They transitioned me to the mental side of the hospital. I was no longer allowed to see my husband or anybody that I knew and loved. They began me on medication (someone who barely took a Tylenol) was now really drugged. The result? I went even crazier. I tried opening windows, screaming for help, and honestly I don’t even remember. I do remember some things though, I remember one night I had gotten so bad two nurses held me down and sedated me to go to sleep.
My husband was trying to manage our girls and he began to wonder if I would spend the rest of my life in a mental ward. I was in there for eight long days. During this time, I was still hearing that voice. One day, (thank the Lord) my story changed. I had a moment of clarity of thought and I began to realize the shape I was in and I cried out for Jesus to save me and restore my mind. In that moment, my mind was clear and I was filled with the true love of Jesus and that voice (which I now believe was a demon) left me for good. I began improving from that day forward, I got them to give me the lowest dose of medication possible and then no meds because I proved I didn’t need them.
When I got out of the hospital, my husband and I went to marriage counseling. Perhaps, this could have been avoided had we known better how to communicate. It helped us both so much. I quit fasting and began sleeping through the night again. I continued studying but in reasonable portions each day. I no longer crave a revelation from God (that experience scared me) and am content with hearing from Him through His written Word. I did tell my husband though that I wanted to find a church that had verse by verse teaching but the freedom to worship with all my heart… enter Calvary Chapel.
I was discharged form the mental hospital on September 30th, we started attending Calvary Chapel in October. I was awed by the love the people had and their knowledge of the scriptures. I had never felt so loved and welcomed in all my life as the day I stepped into that hotel church service. The pastor had felt led to start a church in our area and they hadn’t even gotten a church building yet. I LOVED worshiping in their services and I devoured the Biblical teachings.
I’m writing my testimony, five years later. Five years filled with joy and assurance of my salvation. Five years filled with peace in knowing this gospel of grace. That lady in this story that had a nervous breakdown? God restored and made her stronger that she’s ever been before. So strong in fact, God sent her twins. I’m now on the worship team singing my testimony of God’s amazing grace. I know more of the Word of God than I ever have before, even though I was raised in church. I was always told it was the easy road to leave Holiness (our denomination) …on the contrary, it was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life but I can honestly say it was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life.”
—Stephanie
(Shared with permission)